A world so quiet and plain, In my ears are the memories of your voice, the rain, Too peaceful my days are- long forgetting all of you, However at night my heart longs for you, I ask if this is what I was after.. these cold blankets, Always wanting to calm your rhythm, I rest in beats, I know you don’t belong to me, I know you seek peace, My palms clasped and up to my forehead I pray, I’m a fool, fool for you; I wish you would forget all of may, I wish I was your june, I wish it were me. to be your only tune, I let go of you, for this for you, this list for you, This gentle music is all I can give to you.
A dim lit table and the warmth of latte in my hands, Like petals to the floor my mind is drawn to you, Careful with my words I press onwards losing my grip, With every letter you sent the more and more I lose you, The silhouette of you seems to be everything, Yet you agree and disagree with my everything, I can’t tell if you’re my student or my sensei, Even the black modest dress you wear whispers to me, It makes me wonder if you already have all the warmth you need. If that is the case should I take my leave? I sit here waiting for you between ash and tea, I’m a fool for you, a baka that yearns for you. I wish to cry and weep as I light this candle, If you only knew that you are the coffee to my tea. Knowing this, would you stay with me?
– Claire 4.28.24
I’m a fool for you. – Something nox would say. I get you girl. I get. You.
I keep forgetting what this feels like, This hollow aching pain in my chest, Like a falling cascade of rain around me it takes it’s bite, All I feel is shivering cold and all I can do is try my best, No one here to hold me, No one will ever see. That your words came too late, And so I do weep and cry, Where are all the reasons why? I did as you said with love and hope as my guide, So why oh why is my heart tossed aside? Not just once, twice, or thrice, I’ve lost count of my hearts sacrifice.
Not the poem I wanted to write, Not the words that should be said, I am not who I should be, But I am who I am, Enshrouded in pain, That’s almost all I know, But with you I seem to smile, A ‘thank you’ to you my love, That’s the least I owe.
A recursion of happiness mellows through your heart, Confusion and lust in my thoughts, Embarrassed and exposed you are when we part. I’m a sweet lil girl with a skin of apricot. Did you know that I am as dark as I am light? I’m a masochistic vampire unready to bite, I stare down because I am too afraid to look at the mirror in your eyes, Soon to be judged by you, will I be enough to satisfy? Love, I wonder what it means to you, do just just want me close… a pink hue? Am I just an echo in your mind, soon to be left behind ? My heart beats so tightly, timidly in your hands embrace, A cute face, yes, but a sea of floating sadness reigns supreme in my void, I believe I was meant to be alone. to stay away. I’m too use to being toyed, A broken princess, a hopeless romantic all my life, There is just no way I could be a decent wife! A waterfall in my eyes, at the realization that I cannot be, anyone but me, My instinct is to run away, fade away into the night, To run so far away that I will escape your warm sight. You have something important to say to me… I know what it is, Regardless I know for sure that you love me more than I love you, I want to close my eyes and rest, forget forget, My heart is so cold, conditioned for warmth, I turn towards an ounce of affection, I am always freezing, my temperature controlled by your touch, it’s every sensation, The feeling of me looking up to you is too intense, Blurry, fuzzy, I’m enamored and dazed in every sense, If only I could stay in your arms for another day, But all I can wish for is to say; hey maybe someday.
A kaleidoscope of colors in a moment, How does this heart shaped box unfold, unfold, Its as if time stopped, frozen font, forever cold, Then water run run, forward, brittle frost, How can this be ? this waterfall, clock broken, in working order, I fall down into the leaves, reminisce, wish, foster, crush, Flash, instant, far, distant, Wishing, dreaming, nightmare, leaving. On this peaceful, hopeful day.. Calm breathing… humble care, Warm eminence in this instant, Prefect limerence you appear so distant.
The hopeful timid feeling, Vulnerable in this silence, I can’t speak a word, A calm tenderness, A trifling anticipation, Holding on to my heart so tightly, I faintly hear a yes. Amidst all this chaos, I wish to hear your voice, Say it once more, Let me cherish it’s tender mess. Revert revert, Where have I gone, This heart within me, Where was it all along ?
If I could write I would, Feeling, feelings where are they, I just want you close, But you deny me that pleasure, Instead surrounded in morning dread, In feverish body, a lack of spirit, I always thought I was strong, I thought that enduring suffering was a talent, But I was wrong. I lost myself too much in real life this time. I experienced the rawness of this frail body, Older and weaker I will get, And no matter how much or how lil money I make, All that will be left of me will be these words; Echoed across computer servers; a resonating sound of me Somewhere out there up above down to now, My soul is embedded in every poem, Words only I could write in perfect order, in narrow disorder, The goal was always simple words, Such complex enigmatic feelings that I wish to share, I think and thought ‘ah if only you could understand’ If only I could say… if only you could feel just a bit, Closer.
– Claire 12.9.23
“You should start drawing and writing again, you have a talent you’re not using, but make sure you have fun”
Can I even write anymore?… can I do anything. hope.. and homesick. I’ve always been grieving…. I’m a cute sweet cookie, with sadness as my filling.
Cynicism is a choice, But Love is a better one, I’ve always believed this to be true, Like an eerie cannery or a broken truth, A pounding resonating heartbeat, A deafening sound in my ears, Countless tears held back, Why does it hurt so much to accept this fact? Bend my arm and push me down, You stared into my eyes and I’m suppose to smile with this crown ? So…. you don’t love me after all ? You say my words are beautiful. You try to force a song about how you mean nothing to me. You wish to be heartbroken by me… It is because I love you that I must stay away, Dummy, Baka !! So why oh why does everyone hurt me so ? Do you not see me crying in bed for you, Do you not feel my hands all over you, Do you not listen to the few words I do say? Pushing you back isn’t the same as stabbing your back. I gave you all of me, I let you see my soul, All that did… was guarantee you would hurt me so. You are disgusted by me… for being quiet. All my gentle words… I try, And all I will ever be now, is a faded bad memory. I love you, I live in a fantasy where I can say this freely, I way pray in my heart for your peace of mind.. I will hold on to you… somewhere beneath my eyes. The feeling I could not capture no matter what song I flipped through, A thousand hours I spent thinking of you, That thing I could not reach.. The thing I cannot do… I can’t be there for you, I understand now where my empty heart has been, It was not frozen no… I was crying, This feeling in my heart is knowing that I’d lose you. The presence of me is truly awful. Despicable. the worst… even without uttering a word I still hurt others. This pain in my heart, the caring feeling I feel is proof; Of just how far away I should be from everyone. I wish I could speak my mind, but most of all, I wish I could speak my heart, before being lost in tears. Because how can I hope to speak if I’m crying. The only thing that could remedy that would be hug, This space I need from you, I need it… it keeps me from dying into you.
~ Claire 9.29.23
“I don’t think I can love someone who can be like this.”
All those nights, everynight. I finally understand what I was feeling. It was my broken heart. Of not just a single night, but of all of my life.
A fleeting expression; a summer misdirection, All the things I can’t keep in, All the things I could not say, That of which I cannot keep, That of which I should not feel. My hurting expression says it all, If you could only see my eyes, Hear my laughter and touch my skin, A kindle of autumn in my summer that is what you are, A revival of passion in my heart, You are the sunset in my eyes, The golden shimmer reflected iris as time flies. If I only knew then what I know now, I would keep you here with me, yet how.. An unresolved matter, my words fail me when it matters; A reason, a poem of my weak soul, A weak heart you take hold of me, Your voice that will never grow old to me, I would do anything if only I could see you again.
Alternative Tears 