That Kind of night

Thinking, dreaming of a good morning;
I wonder… ponder about what’s out there..
Am I fated to feel what I feel,
Am I meant to fall deeper still into you,
Is there something more for me,
What lies do I tell myself that keep me awake at night?
Am I so unaware of who I am…
That I do not even notice your light,
Am I as good as I think I am?
Am I worse off than I think… or am I better off… gone;
A thing yet to be decided I still hold on,
I reach out and hold your hand,
Tightly eyes shut; what I actually grasped was someone’s tee;
An unknown theme, and unknown thing;
Who are you that speaks to me?
Are you the one that’s meant for me?
No matter where I go… or how far apart I escape from thee…
Gravity grasps me down; A simple love;
A simple friend; is it the beginning or the end..
Someone please hold me now,
All alone, lost, without words or frame;
I’m a forgotten photo.. I was just a game.
Promise me one day you’ll understand. Forgive me for my lack of perfection. Undeniable situation, A complication; its always me huh? My fault;
I feel things I can only hope to describe…
Why do you fault me for this…
Why do you not hold me…
I’ve forgotten the taste of your lips.
Over now, upturn… pouring out; I’m a soft plushie,
Please just leave me be… until I’m ready to be a better me.

6.18.23 – Claire

Feel it now

Yes I feel it now,
Its around this time that my heart starts to beat,
The simple sweaty mess,
The white noise fog that is my nest,
A nest of mind of words,
Words that weigh, fall, heavy
Gravity; a sinking hole,
A salty lake a numbness sand that is my hand,
These shaking fingers the fright they feel,
Why oh why must it take this long;
Every year around this time it hurts again and so she wrote.
Endless nightmares suffocating my throat.

February 26, 2023 by Claire

As if

As if my love can be anything but selfish,
A suffocating feeling to oneself and others,
To force a holding a restraint a hand to someone else,
What can it be but romantic oppressive bullshit,
True love is something else entirely to love for what they are,
To encapsulate their capacity their choice their voice,
To be denied is one thing but to be forgotten is the worst,
I rather be ripped to shreds than be buried in snow;
I’ll take a shovel myself then bury myself in giving earth,
A dirt that is my soul and body a place I know well,
A person who knows me well is all but me;
Take it all down in a sea of pain and sorrows let yourself bleed,
Let it hurt, let my blood spill in salty sea and float away.

– December 8th, 2022 by Claire