That Kind of night

Thinking, dreaming of a good morning;
I wonder… ponder about what’s out there..
Am I fated to feel what I feel,
Am I meant to fall deeper still into you,
Is there something more for me,
What lies do I tell myself that keep me awake at night?
Am I so unaware of who I am…
That I do not even notice your light,
Am I as good as I think I am?
Am I worse off than I think… or am I better off… gone;
A thing yet to be decided I still hold on,
I reach out and hold your hand,
Tightly eyes shut; what I actually grasped was someone’s tee;
An unknown theme, and unknown thing;
Who are you that speaks to me?
Are you the one that’s meant for me?
No matter where I go… or how far apart I escape from thee…
Gravity grasps me down; A simple love;
A simple friend; is it the beginning or the end..
Someone please hold me now,
All alone, lost, without words or frame;
I’m a forgotten photo.. I was just a game.
Promise me one day you’ll understand. Forgive me for my lack of perfection. Undeniable situation, A complication; its always me huh? My fault;
I feel things I can only hope to describe…
Why do you fault me for this…
Why do you not hold me…
I’ve forgotten the taste of your lips.
Over now, upturn… pouring out; I’m a soft plushie,
Please just leave me be… until I’m ready to be a better me.

6.18.23 – Claire

Feel it now

Yes I feel it now,
Its around this time that my heart starts to beat,
The simple sweaty mess,
The white noise fog that is my nest,
A nest of mind of words,
Words that weigh, fall, heavy
Gravity; a sinking hole,
A salty lake a numbness sand that is my hand,
These shaking fingers the fright they feel,
Why oh why must it take this long;
Every year around this time it hurts again and so she wrote.
Endless nightmares suffocating my throat.

February 26, 2023 by Claire

As if

As if my love can be anything but selfish,
A suffocating feeling to oneself and others,
To force a holding a restraint a hand to someone else,
What can it be but romantic oppressive bullshit,
True love is something else entirely to love for what they are,
To encapsulate their capacity their choice their voice,
To be denied is one thing but to be forgotten is the worst,
I rather be ripped to shreds than be buried in snow;
I’ll take a shovel myself then bury myself in giving earth,
A dirt that is my soul and body a place I know well,
A person who knows me well is all but me;
Take it all down in a sea of pain and sorrows let yourself bleed,
Let it hurt, let my blood spill in salty sea and float away.

– December 8th, 2022 by Claire

Hopeful

I’ve been so active, forward, drawn,
No longer did I stay awake till dawn.
Full of love, and joy simple words I thought to soon,
A type of hope so chemically reactive it blew up to the moon,
The night came near and so I hear,
My voice that is so hauntingly dear and clear,
So comfortable in your arms,
I was unprepared and left unarmed;
A baseline of sadness that is me,
My amnesia made me forget I am yet to be free,
This blanket of depression is what I know best,
Vulnerable, open, broken I am all that in eternal rest.
A cold death, a musical breath, a beautiful internal mess.
I’m a vampire that’s missing you every time we part,
It is hope that causes pain, but you that makes my heart. less dark.
To be so pretentious to think for a moment it would be easy,
Claire, please put it down, take a rest, take it easy; are you okay really ?
Un, Till tomorrow, a heart to borrow, a shadow to hide,
Reveal me true, and I’ll always bump into you.

– Claire 5.22.23

“Never again just tonight… okay! I’ll give you anything… but you want pain” – Jimmy Eat World

Late

I am a complete disarray of colors,
I break the rules and stay up way too late,
I know when I wake up today I’ll regret this,
But still I reach to taste it,
I long for that of which I cannot reach,
Should I start a twitter; a twitch ?
Should I invest in money, love, or fame?
What will satisfy this urge, this itch.
Does any of it matter, millions in my bank;
Million likes and licks, number one on his rank.
I am in eternal blue, a fog, a haze, a maze.
My god no one understands this fate.
Will no one love this heart inside; too late?
I’ll jump. okay… okay just a bit wait !
I don’t need to be caught, or taught the way,
I just don’t want to be in your way.
Trust me though,
I know more about the night than you will ever know.
Forget it, got to sleep end of flow.

– Claire 4.28.23

Lina

You are like a fever in my heart,
A radiating sun strike that is your blade;
You bring me to tears in my sheets,
And not in the way you might think.
Your moody smile makes it real,
Fate has struck me down and I kneel,
I bend the knee to you.
Starstruck; I’m compelled to write to you.
Skeptical of your steps,
Gentle as they may seem; I worried still,
Worried all for naught.
Uncorruptible you are,
I cannot poison you.
I throw magic arrows in disarray.
When you hold my face like that,
I can’t resist; have me if you wish.
I dream to taste your lips,
Hold me close don’t go.
Please keep me warm.
Yes right there..

By Lina

4.21.23

5 years from now

Exhaling kisses of a blood type o,

Five years from now…

I’ll be I’ll be missing you,

An understanding heart and sweet disposition,

Its the perfect prediction,

I see myself in torture until I capture,

Perfect pleasure perfect pressure,

A place without drama,

Too old to be dishonest but never brave enough to try,

At least more than half the rate of heart, be a lil smart..

Is it more than a date,

Of course how can it not be with you being you,

A beautiful art you are,

A real connection a real suppression,

You like the way I move,

But I love the way you look,

I know you lie in bed, stay here with me,

Or else, no no. no one else,

Else I’ll be too sad,

It only takes a longing to know its love.

~ Claire

Why Me

I expected a drift but not a goodbye,

Friendship is what you most needed i know,

What is it that i could have said to stop you from leaving me behind,

I know you need a place to call home,

I understand we can’t be together but why can’t I talk to you,

Am i truly worth so little to you?

It seems things never workout for me no matter what i do,

“Why are you given up on me,

Please don’t go. “

Are the words i want to say,

But i know that guilting you is not the way,

I hurt everyone around me because of the love i feel,

Im flawed in every way,

Im not as smart or as good of a person as i thought,

I thought if i was sincere and honest..real

I thought if i tried my best things would workout.

But i am me and everyone always forgets me,

Abondoned like no other i walk in circles,

I dont even get the privacy to cry,

I should laugh at myself go back to being shy,

This poem makes no sense,

Ive lost my soul i have no chance.

– Claire

Heavy

There is this weight on me,

Its heavy it makes me sleepy tired,

Even sitting or standing I fall I nod,

I get no reward for anything I do,

Its hard to breathe my brain hurts,

I feel so alone and my body is sore,

Its not that I don’t want to try,

But im so tired, no passion, no motivation,

No tears and im not even being negative,

I literally can’t feel things right now,

I feel literally sick,

And no one is going to help me up.

My body and mind are giving up,

But my soul is still trying.

Im atheist,

But anything, anyone out there,

Give me the strength to get out of bed,

Why is everyday so fuckin hard.

– Claire A.

I love you

Death is just a door,
And sleep is a convention,
Time is relative,
And the only thing that is real is that which we feel,
Our eyes are not just mirrors they are projectors,
When you change the way you look at things,
The things you look at change,
To be or not to be that is the question,
But the why is much more important,
Choice both kindness and crime bleed throughout time,
Separation is an illusion, and so is the end.
You know?
Earth is just a blue shimmer.
And the sky is not just a collection of stars.
The iron from our blood comes from there.
So if you ever feel alone just look up, or in;
Because I’ll be there.

-Claire