Coffee and tea

A dim lit table and the warmth of latte in my hands,
Like petals to the floor my mind is drawn to you,
Careful with my words I press onwards losing my grip,
With every letter you sent the more and more I lose you,
The silhouette of you seems to be everything,
Yet you agree and disagree with my everything,
I can’t tell if you’re my student or my sensei,
Even the black modest dress you wear whispers to me,
It makes me wonder if you already have all the warmth you need.
If that is the case should I take my leave?
I sit here waiting for you between ash and tea,
I’m a fool for you, a baka that yearns for you.
I wish to cry and weep as I light this candle,
If you only knew that you are the coffee to my tea.
Knowing this, would you stay with me?

– Claire 4.28.24

I’m a fool for you. – Something nox would say. I get you girl. I get. You.

Feel it now

Yes I feel it now,
Its around this time that my heart starts to beat,
The simple sweaty mess,
The white noise fog that is my nest,
A nest of mind of words,
Words that weigh, fall, heavy
Gravity; a sinking hole,
A salty lake a numbness sand that is my hand,
These shaking fingers the fright they feel,
Why oh why must it take this long;
Every year around this time it hurts again and so she wrote.
Endless nightmares suffocating my throat.

February 26, 2023 by Claire

As if

As if my love can be anything but selfish,
A suffocating feeling to oneself and others,
To force a holding a restraint a hand to someone else,
What can it be but romantic oppressive bullshit,
True love is something else entirely to love for what they are,
To encapsulate their capacity their choice their voice,
To be denied is one thing but to be forgotten is the worst,
I rather be ripped to shreds than be buried in snow;
I’ll take a shovel myself then bury myself in giving earth,
A dirt that is my soul and body a place I know well,
A person who knows me well is all but me;
Take it all down in a sea of pain and sorrows let yourself bleed,
Let it hurt, let my blood spill in salty sea and float away.

– December 8th, 2022 by Claire

Hopeful

I’ve been so active, forward, drawn,
No longer did I stay awake till dawn.
Full of love, and joy simple words I thought to soon,
A type of hope so chemically reactive it blew up to the moon,
The night came near and so I hear,
My voice that is so hauntingly dear and clear,
So comfortable in your arms,
I was unprepared and left unarmed;
A baseline of sadness that is me,
My amnesia made me forget I am yet to be free,
This blanket of depression is what I know best,
Vulnerable, open, broken I am all that in eternal rest.
A cold death, a musical breath, a beautiful internal mess.
I’m a vampire that’s missing you every time we part,
It is hope that causes pain, but you that makes my heart. less dark.
To be so pretentious to think for a moment it would be easy,
Claire, please put it down, take a rest, take it easy; are you okay really ?
Un, Till tomorrow, a heart to borrow, a shadow to hide,
Reveal me true, and I’ll always bump into you.

– Claire 5.22.23

“Never again just tonight… okay! I’ll give you anything… but you want pain” – Jimmy Eat World

Why Me

I expected a drift but not a goodbye,

Friendship is what you most needed i know,

What is it that i could have said to stop you from leaving me behind,

I know you need a place to call home,

I understand we can’t be together but why can’t I talk to you,

Am i truly worth so little to you?

It seems things never workout for me no matter what i do,

“Why are you given up on me,

Please don’t go. “

Are the words i want to say,

But i know that guilting you is not the way,

I hurt everyone around me because of the love i feel,

Im flawed in every way,

Im not as smart or as good of a person as i thought,

I thought if i was sincere and honest..real

I thought if i tried my best things would workout.

But i am me and everyone always forgets me,

Abondoned like no other i walk in circles,

I dont even get the privacy to cry,

I should laugh at myself go back to being shy,

This poem makes no sense,

Ive lost my soul i have no chance.

– Claire

Heavy

There is this weight on me,

Its heavy it makes me sleepy tired,

Even sitting or standing I fall I nod,

I get no reward for anything I do,

Its hard to breathe my brain hurts,

I feel so alone and my body is sore,

Its not that I don’t want to try,

But im so tired, no passion, no motivation,

No tears and im not even being negative,

I literally can’t feel things right now,

I feel literally sick,

And no one is going to help me up.

My body and mind are giving up,

But my soul is still trying.

Im atheist,

But anything, anyone out there,

Give me the strength to get out of bed,

Why is everyday so fuckin hard.

– Claire A.

The Night that Broke Me

The silent wave of gentle salty drips,
The heart that once beat high now dips,
The humid breathe of my soul peers out,
A thousand unsent letters never to be found,
I wish a dream upon a star,
For my compass to reach to where you are,
Though it points two ways I will tread far,
My goal seems clear and there you are,
But when I reach you,
Will your eyes reach me,
Am i too late to see your eyes?
Am i hopeless and yet to realize?
Everyday i live a lie that i am sane,
Becsuse the moment I lost you it was the end.

-Claire 11/9/21

If i fall will i make a sound

It feels like my heart is made of lead,

Bursting tearing bleeding dead,

Half delirious half sea sick,

I can hardly muster any sound,

There are knots in my throat all around,

400 days full of pain fall onto me,

All at once to bring me to my knees,

Hands shaking tears fall,

I hold my teddy bear to my chest,

To keep my heart from making a certain mess,

All thoughts all unthinkable,

My heart says suicide is drinkable,

4 years together and a week ago you said forever,

Now you say you say you do not know if you want to be with me?

I just want to be close,

To be the one you trust, choose and chose,

I want to be there when you smile,

Kiss, protect you, lick and hold you in denial,

Could it be the plans we made before are locked behind a gate?

But still my eyes are drawn to you and call for you to wait,

Though this world is still broken ill take it cause you’re at the goal,

I hope everything will fall in place,

Someday I will tell you again,

So I wonder why these words feel lost when youre here by my side.

Dont say goodbye.

– Claire Attaway

Searching Meaning in Another

In the struggle for a better tomorrow,

Out of breath and hollow,

Too tired to desire,

Fire that will expire,

An escape to feel comes near,

Crumble and kneel,

A glimpse of real,

Far too far,

You are to cuddle,

Self worth in another cycle,

Self worth in love an idol,

Cannot love oneself,

So we search the sky,

A sign a girl a guy,

A pointless flow to slow,

One day you will know,

The darkest seed will grow,

Hello ?

Rise acorn from this sorrow.

~Sky Attaway

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

I’m only human

The ideals we work for are not what we live for.
I attempt to uncover and dissolve the human condition.
Selfish levels under that,
Under the folly of desire, spend all life wandering,
then die at the end.
life, an elaborate game a cosmic joke.
I sincerely playing
but not serious. still fall prey to mortality,
I’m human after all,
I can only grasp things a trinity,
mental, physical, and spiritual in the same way I would grasp sand.
Always slipping away.
In the transient wave of all things.

~Sky Attaway

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.