I keep forgetting what this feels like, This hollow aching pain in my chest, Like a falling cascade of rain around me it takes it’s bite, All I feel is shivering cold and all I can do is try my best, No one here to hold me, No one will ever see. That your words came too late, And so I do weep and cry, Where are all the reasons why? I did as you said with love and hope as my guide, So why oh why is my heart tossed aside? Not just once, twice, or thrice, I’ve lost count of my hearts sacrifice.
Cynicism is a choice, But Love is a better one, I’ve always believed this to be true, Like an eerie cannery or a broken truth, A pounding resonating heartbeat, A deafening sound in my ears, Countless tears held back, Why does it hurt so much to accept this fact? Bend my arm and push me down, You stared into my eyes and I’m suppose to smile with this crown ? So…. you don’t love me after all ? You say my words are beautiful. You try to force a song about how you mean nothing to me. You wish to be heartbroken by me… It is because I love you that I must stay away, Dummy, Baka !! So why oh why does everyone hurt me so ? Do you not see me crying in bed for you, Do you not feel my hands all over you, Do you not listen to the few words I do say? Pushing you back isn’t the same as stabbing your back. I gave you all of me, I let you see my soul, All that did… was guarantee you would hurt me so. You are disgusted by me… for being quiet. All my gentle words… I try, And all I will ever be now, is a faded bad memory. I love you, I live in a fantasy where I can say this freely, I way pray in my heart for your peace of mind.. I will hold on to you… somewhere beneath my eyes. The feeling I could not capture no matter what song I flipped through, A thousand hours I spent thinking of you, That thing I could not reach.. The thing I cannot do… I can’t be there for you, I understand now where my empty heart has been, It was not frozen no… I was crying, This feeling in my heart is knowing that I’d lose you. The presence of me is truly awful. Despicable. the worst… even without uttering a word I still hurt others. This pain in my heart, the caring feeling I feel is proof; Of just how far away I should be from everyone. I wish I could speak my mind, but most of all, I wish I could speak my heart, before being lost in tears. Because how can I hope to speak if I’m crying. The only thing that could remedy that would be hug, This space I need from you, I need it… it keeps me from dying into you.
~ Claire 9.29.23
“I don’t think I can love someone who can be like this.”
All those nights, everynight. I finally understand what I was feeling. It was my broken heart. Of not just a single night, but of all of my life.
Alternative Tears 