Snow across my bed there is no ease to pain, In my ears are the memories of your voice a quiet rain, Our path our hopes a missed train, At night this heart yearns for your pillow, These cold blankets lifeless without your eyes that glow, I rest in beats here, my heart forgetting your rhythm, I own nothing of you now, Yet owe half of everything to you, My hands clasped up to my forehead I pray, I’m a fool, silly fool for you; This June, I wish I was your only tune, I let go of you, this kiss for you, this list for you, This gentle music is all I can give to you now. Our world may be ending, But I’m hoping to see you one day smiling.
Not the poem I wanted to write, Not the words that should be said, I am not who I should be, But I am who I am, Enshrouded in pain, That’s almost all I know, But with you I seem to smile, A ‘thank you’ to you my love, That’s the least I owe.
A recursion of happiness mellows through your heart, Confusion and lust in my thoughts, Embarrassed and exposed you are when we part. I’m a sweet lil girl with a skin of apricot. Did you know that I am as dark as I am light? I’m a masochistic vampire unready to bite, I stare down because I am too afraid to look at the mirror in your eyes, Soon to be judged by you, will I be enough to satisfy? Love, I wonder what it means to you, do just just want me close… a pink hue? Am I just an echo in your mind, soon to be left behind ? My heart beats so tightly, timidly in your hands embrace, A cute face, yes, but a sea of floating sadness reigns supreme in my void, I believe I was meant to be alone. to stay away. I’m too use to being toyed, A broken princess, a hopeless romantic all my life, There is just no way I could be a decent wife! A waterfall in my eyes, at the realization that I cannot be, anyone but me, My instinct is to run away, fade away into the night, To run so far away that I will escape your warm sight. You have something important to say to me… I know what it is, Regardless I know for sure that you love me more than I love you, I want to close my eyes and rest, forget forget, My heart is so cold, conditioned for warmth, I turn towards an ounce of affection, I am always freezing, my temperature controlled by your touch, it’s every sensation, The feeling of me looking up to you is too intense, Blurry, fuzzy, I’m enamored and dazed in every sense, If only I could stay in your arms for another day, But all I can wish for is to say; hey maybe someday.
If I could write I would, Feeling, feelings where are they, I just want you close, But you deny me that pleasure, Instead surrounded in morning dread, In feverish body, a lack of spirit, I always thought I was strong, I thought that enduring suffering was a talent, But I was wrong. I lost myself too much in real life this time. I experienced the rawness of this frail body, Older and weaker I will get, And no matter how much or how lil money I make, All that will be left of me will be these words; Echoed across computer servers; a resonating sound of me Somewhere out there up above down to now, My soul is embedded in every poem, Words only I could write in perfect order, in narrow disorder, The goal was always simple words, Such complex enigmatic feelings that I wish to share, I think and thought ‘ah if only you could understand’ If only I could say… if only you could feel just a bit, Closer.
– Claire 12.9.23
“You should start drawing and writing again, you have a talent you’re not using, but make sure you have fun”
Can I even write anymore?… can I do anything. hope.. and homesick. I’ve always been grieving…. I’m a cute sweet cookie, with sadness as my filling.
A fleeting expression; a summer misdirection, All the things I can’t keep in, All the things I could not say, That of which I cannot keep, That of which I should not feel. My hurting expression says it all, If you could only see my eyes, Hear my laughter and touch my skin, A kindle of autumn in my summer that is what you are, A revival of passion in my heart, You are the sunset in my eyes, The golden shimmer reflected iris as time flies. If I only knew then what I know now, I would keep you here with me, yet how.. An unresolved matter, my words fail me when it matters; A reason, a poem of my weak soul, A weak heart you take hold of me, Your voice that will never grow old to me, I would do anything if only I could see you again.
Thinking, dreaming of a good morning; I wonder… ponder about what’s out there.. Am I fated to feel what I feel, Am I meant to fall deeper still into you, Is there something more for me, What lies do I tell myself that keep me awake at night? Am I so unaware of who I am… That I do not even notice your light, Am I as good as I think I am? Am I worse off than I think… or am I better off… gone; A thing yet to be decided I still hold on, I reach out and hold your hand, Tightly eyes shut; what I actually grasped was someone’s tee; An unknown theme, and unknown thing; Who are you that speaks to me? Are you the one that’s meant for me? No matter where I go… or how far apart I escape from thee… Gravity grasps me down; A simple love; A simple friend; is it the beginning or the end.. Someone please hold me now, All alone, lost, without words or frame; I’m a forgotten photo.. I was just a game. Promise me one day you’ll understand. Forgive me for my lack of perfection. Undeniable situation, A complication; its always me huh? My fault; I feel things I can only hope to describe… Why do you fault me for this… Why do you not hold me… I’ve forgotten the taste of your lips. Over now, upturn… pouring out; I’m a soft plushie, Please just leave me be… until I’m ready to be a better me.
I’ve been so active, forward, drawn, No longer did I stay awake till dawn. Full of love, and joy simple words I thought to soon, A type of hope so chemically reactive it blew up to the moon, The night came near and so I hear, My voice that is so hauntingly dear and clear, So comfortable in your arms, I was unprepared and left unarmed; A baseline of sadness that is me, My amnesia made me forget I am yet to be free, This blanket of depression is what I know best, Vulnerable, open, broken I am all that in eternal rest. A cold death, a musical breath, a beautiful internal mess. I’m a vampire that’s missing you every time we part, It is hope that causes pain, but you that makes my heart. less dark. To be so pretentious to think for a moment it would be easy, Claire, please put it down, take a rest, take it easy; are you okay really ? Un, Till tomorrow, a heart to borrow, a shadow to hide, Reveal me true, and I’ll always bump into you.
– Claire 5.22.23
“Never again just tonight… okay! I’ll give you anything… but you want pain” – Jimmy Eat World
I am a complete disarray of colors, I break the rules and stay up way too late, I know when I wake up today I’ll regret this, But still I reach to taste it, I long for that of which I cannot reach, Should I start a twitter; a twitch ? Should I invest in money, love, or fame? What will satisfy this urge, this itch. Does any of it matter, millions in my bank; Million likes and licks, number one on his rank. I am in eternal blue, a fog, a haze, a maze. My god no one understands this fate. Will no one love this heart inside; too late? I’ll jump. okay… okay just a bit wait ! I don’t need to be caught, or taught the way, I just don’t want to be in your way. Trust me though, I know more about the night than you will ever know. Forget it, got to sleep end of flow.
Death is just a door, And sleep is a convention, Time is relative, And the only thing that is real is that which we feel, Our eyes are not just mirrors they are projectors, When you change the way you look at things, The things you look at change, To be or not to be that is the question, But the why is much more important, Choice both kindness and crime bleed throughout time, Separation is an illusion, and so is the end. You know? Earth is just a blue shimmer. And the sky is not just a collection of stars. The iron from our blood comes from there. So if you ever feel alone just look up, or in; Because I’ll be there.
Alternative Tears 